have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Randomize
