Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
