my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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