...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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