Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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