dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
