take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
