I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
