I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just tell him i said nine months
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
