She is in my trunk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
