u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I am naked and annoyed.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
