note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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