he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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