im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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