remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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