Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
