It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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