my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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