I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
