mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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