I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's shark week go big or go home
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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