hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
