Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if only i could text you this smell
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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