the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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