i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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