Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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