I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
