Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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