i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
