Apparently you make a good broom.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
