I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
