omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
