fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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