i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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