I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
