I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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