Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
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He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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