i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
you never un-have a 4some
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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