Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
did you just send me my own nude
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
