my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
