hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
