I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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