i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
