Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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