You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
