Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
