I cannot find my penis.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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