i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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