I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
