Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I can't put those talents on a resume
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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