Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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