why didn't you poke me back
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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