the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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