my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
