I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
sarcasm needs its own font
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
