Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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