we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
