This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
