y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
